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Read the Blog in full

Read the Blog in full

Sunday, April 13, 2014

All the Nuts aren’t with The Pancake’s Part 17

My shift at Denny’s brings with it all the human misery that can blow in the door. You want to see a side of the world you only need to see once? Work the graveyard shift at a Denny’s.

I am amazed. I have seen it all in the booths and counter seating at America’s favorite place. I have witnessed pregnant teens, (12 years old) smoking cigarettes show up at Denny’s after boozing it up at a party. Not just once but several times. We joked that it was rampant and must be something in the water.

“I guess it’s just what a pregnant teen mother smoking cigarettes craves in the middle of the night. She craves, Moons over my Hammy!”

I have had to watch the teen-age boyfriend pull together whatever pennies he has to pay the bill, before stumbling out, climbing in a car and peeling out of the parking lot with his drunk pregnant girlfriend by his side.

I have had a grandmother (in her 80s) flash me her breasts. Allegedly it was to “change me,” at least that’s what she yelled to her table of drunken octogenarian friends who cackled with delight at the sight of her flat hanging breasts.

“Oh yeah, it changed me alright. It changed me for good. Unfortunately, some things you can never un-see.”

I personally have called the police on at least five separate occasions since I started working here. There have been fist fights, slap fights, water fights, soda fights and pancake wars.  I have had trays pulled out of my hands with food on them. I have had someone try to help me by taking one glass off the front of a full tray, not realizing it was going to flip in the air and cover everyone at the table with sticky soda.

I have found my tip hidden in the ashtray, in left over food on the plate, waded up in garbage and the ever-current popular way of leaving a tip under a full glass of water. Yup, under water. Interested? Here’s how. Take a full glass of water, drop in money, cover with a piece of cardboard, flip over place on table, quickly removing cardboard. Viola! Water stays in glass and forms a seal.

There is no way not to get soaked trying to get your money.

As a waiter at Denny’s I have been blessed, saved and prayed for. I have been a shoulder to cry on, a friend to the friendless and a punching bag to several drunk rednecks. I have been forced to answer to a snap of the fingers, someone yelling garcon and to the cry “Hey Faggot.”

I have had food, drinks and ice cream thrown at me. I have waited on little people dressed as superheroes and never even asked them once “Why?”

I have served, smiled and choked down many snappy retorts or comments that could get me beaten to death if I spoke my thoughts out loud.

And finally the topper on the cake, I have cleaned a full smooshed up turd off of a toilet seat in the men’s room with a paper towel. Yes, I can do it all.

You name it and I have seen it on the graveyard shift at Denny’s.

This morning after my shift finishes, I find myself driving home when I realize that I am in a foul mood and very short of patience.

To be continued…

Geoffrey Doig-Marx holds all written and electronic rights to his writing "A Day in the Life/Down the Rabbit Hole". It cannot be reprinted in part or whole without his written consent.

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